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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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Light Talking and the Smell of Office |
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Sitting tortured at work. With nothing to occupy my mind but her. I have nothing really to do, no one is here. Aaron is off, Brian is on vacation, Alex took the day off, Jess is in Vegas, Miles is off. There is literally no one to talk to. I finished all my work, we are one hour of OT, overtime for all you laymen.
Sitting here bored. With her gone I will be working a lot of OT for the money. Still, there is not much work to actually be done in that OT. I will try to help out with the lack of managers, but the managers jobs are so easy I can do them in my sleep.
So back to the problem. Boredom. Nothing to occupy my mind, so I focus on her. All I can think about is her in Vegas with all those boys and all that alcohol. Eeesh.
Trying to keep my mind out of there. No reason not to trust yet. Must trust.
The hangover I thought I had dodged hit me around 3pm today and the head ache has just recently subsided with a lot of water.
She messaged me today. I guess that’s a good sign. I am in over my head.
I believe at long last, I can continue with the post where I said that I would inform you how my attempt at not become one of her fan boys has gone.
I would give myself a C+, maybe a B-, average not great. I have avoided the pitfalls of believing that she is the perfect woman. I have avoided the pitfalls of believing that she is the most beautiful woman ever. I am not a devoted follower of her art or photography, I do not claim to be closer to her because of fencing or ren/fair. Basically I believe I have succeeded in seeing her as a normal woman.
The flaws are there, no worship is needed, she is not better than me, or out of my league, or the object of my unending desire (though still the object of much of my desire). She is just a woman, with problems and shit, and hopes, and bad manners, good days and bad.
I have no need to follow her around endlessly pestering her, or asking for acceptance or attention. I am my own person. Still afraid to be alone, but my own person.
I give myself a low score, because while I might not be fantastically obsessed, I still think a lot about her. She is still a dangerous woman.
As for surviving the fan club…..That is still a work in project, and likely always will be till the end of this relationship. The fan club wants her, and they want her single, she is a better ideal if she is single. More artists are interested in her, more photographers, more co-workers, people at bars, stores…etc. She attracts attention, likes it, and for the most part owns it, so the fan club will always be there, and I will always be secretly hated and envied. Never openly because that would jeopardize their status with her, they do not want to cause conflict, because they are cowards about open conflict, and because it risks upsetting her. No they will plot and scheme and plan get-togethers, dinners, and parties with out me, follow more closely when I am not there, etc.
They are hyenas begging for the scraps from the lions. Their maniacal laughter and crazed eyes giving them away as the stalkers they are.
Monday evening will be interesting.
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groggy