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Wednesday, September 13th, 2006
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3:06 am - A Quick Glance
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I hate it when I am not there.
I have to plan other activites so I don't go crazy.
I hate the fan club.
It will never go away though.
Am I tired already?
Quit thinking.
current mood:  aggravated
current music: Panic! At the Disco
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| Saturday, August 19th, 2006
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12:33 am - Just Thoughts
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Waiting.
Filled my day as much as I could.
Listening to Flogging Molly and just filling time. At 2am I am going to sleep.
I wish my heart didn't hurt so much. I hate this, but what can I do?
I feel dragged through the mud by someone who didn't realize I was tied to the car.
I brought this on myself....and I knew it was going to happen. I even said "All I want is heavy dose of pain and drama."
Well eat up boys...cause there is plenty to go round.
And we find ourselves in the same old mess, singing drunken lullabies.
current mood: stressed
current music: Flogging Molly - Drunken Lullabies
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| Thursday, August 17th, 2006
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3:18 am - Random shit
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So I am mainly posting on LJ now.
Still. Its always fun to mix stuff up.
She sings like a godess. Obviously there is something about Jessica's that I like.
We could go into comparisons...but why. I know them. Besides it would seem like I was trying to see which was better. Maybe I would be.
Whatever.
Every person I find myself close too is extremely talented.
I am often feel like the bastard of my life.
Man I have a thing for hair.
current mood:  awake
current music: Panic! At the Disco
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| Monday, August 14th, 2006
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3:43 am - LiveJournal
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Alright, enough people have pushed and proded. I am going LiveJournal at least for awhile.
Same name....just different place.
http://gagnonsjoke.livejournal.com/
I will add some cross over posts. However if you have a LiveJournal, throw me on your friends list, and drop me a line.
current mood:  numb
current music: Sounds of Change
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| Sunday, August 13th, 2006
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8:51 pm - Nervous
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I haven’t played in a long while (and drunken playing doesn’t count). She wants me to play for her. I am nervous. I am not that good, and I don’t know where my sheet music is to practice.
Music like all things is just something I do simi-well. I can draw well enough that people know what I am drawing, but its not great. I can play well enough that people can tell what I am playing (a piano, lol, no…I mean song), but nothing great. I write well enough that people can see what I am thinking.
I am not amazing at any one thing. I wish I had something that I was amazing at.
Still I am nervous and excited about seeing her again. I want to play well, and I want that excitement that was there before to still be with us. In retrospect this time was not a big deal, but somehow it feels pretty huge to me.
Considering how much I am worrying about this, I think its safe to say, I obviously like her alot.
Tonight, I will blow the dust off my keyboard and play again. Get those fingers limber.
For now…I must wait out the last bits of work.
current mood:  bored
current music: Flogging Molly - 7 Deadly Sins
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| Saturday, August 12th, 2006
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8:56 pm - The Roaming Mind
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Sitting tortured at work. With nothing to occupy my mind but her. I have nothing really to do, no one is here. Aaron is off, Brian is on vacation, Alex took the day off, Jess is in Vegas, Miles is off. There is literally no one to talk to. I finished all my work, we are one hour of OT, overtime for all you laymen.
Sitting here bored. With her gone I will be working a lot of OT for the money. Still, there is not much work to actually be done in that OT. I will try to help out with the lack of managers, but the managers jobs are so easy I can do them in my sleep.
So back to the problem. Boredom. Nothing to occupy my mind, so I focus on her. All I can think about is her in Vegas with all those boys and all that alcohol. Eeesh.
Trying to keep my mind out of there. No reason not to trust yet. Must trust.
The hangover I thought I had dodged hit me around 3pm today and the head ache has just recently subsided with a lot of water.
She messaged me today. I guess that’s a good sign. I am in over my head.
I believe at long last, I can continue with the post where I said that I would inform you how my attempt at not become one of her fan boys has gone.
I would give myself a C+, maybe a B-, average not great. I have avoided the pitfalls of believing that she is the perfect woman. I have avoided the pitfalls of believing that she is the most beautiful woman ever. I am not a devoted follower of her art or photography, I do not claim to be closer to her because of fencing or ren/fair. Basically I believe I have succeeded in seeing her as a normal woman.
The flaws are there, no worship is needed, she is not better than me, or out of my league, or the object of my unending desire (though still the object of much of my desire). She is just a woman, with problems and shit, and hopes, and bad manners, good days and bad.
I have no need to follow her around endlessly pestering her, or asking for acceptance or attention. I am my own person. Still afraid to be alone, but my own person.
I give myself a low score, because while I might not be fantastically obsessed, I still think a lot about her. She is still a dangerous woman.
As for surviving the fan club…..That is still a work in project, and likely always will be till the end of this relationship. The fan club wants her, and they want her single, she is a better ideal if she is single. More artists are interested in her, more photographers, more co-workers, people at bars, stores…etc. She attracts attention, likes it, and for the most part owns it, so the fan club will always be there, and I will always be secretly hated and envied. Never openly because that would jeopardize their status with her, they do not want to cause conflict, because they are cowards about open conflict, and because it risks upsetting her. No they will plot and scheme and plan get-togethers, dinners, and parties with out me, follow more closely when I am not there, etc.
They are hyenas begging for the scraps from the lions. Their maniacal laughter and crazed eyes giving them away as the stalkers they are.
Monday evening will be interesting.
current mood: bored
current music: Light Talking and the Smell of Office
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2:12 pm - Drunken Night of Debauchery
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So I succeeded in my mission to get very drunk last night/this morning.
I went over to Brian’s house around 4pm to help him set up, shop and get ready. We went and bought chairs, food and alcohol.
At the store this really annoying guy who somehow got an invite to the party met up with us…purely by strange coincidence. He proceeded to shop with us, and piss Brian and I off to no end.
When we got back to his place, I had to build the grill that was still in the box due to a brother to brother miss-understanding. The grill was a piece of crap, but it worked well enough for what we needed. So when Brian’s bro arrived with the charcoal and light fluid we started grillen.
People arrived slowly and all through the night, party got really fun around 11pm, and went on till 4am, when most people left and it just became a few of us, with Brian passed out in his room.
In the drunken hazy state of the party a girl called Joy, who only wore an overcoat to the party anyway, started stripping and talking in heavily sexually innuendoed sentences. She found a particular interest in Greg and I, Greg being Brian’s roommate, a cute guy, but one that honestly puts off a bit of Gay vibe.
She took us too Brian’s bed and began laying on us, and attempting to get Greg and I to have sex in front of her….she offered numerous sexual favors to get us to do this. Eventually she got simi bored, drank more and then attempted to make out with the other girls at the party.
When the girls turned her down, she went back for Greg and I, and began to remove Greg’s cloths. Greg being a smart man did not complain, as she was fairly good looking, and already basically naked.
When I realized that she was actually an employee, I sobered up a bit and put some distance between us. No reason to even entertain thoughts, not safe.
I think there were only 2 reasons I even let myself get so flirty and close. 1. Drunk as hell. 2. Was angry/scared/distrustful of my current girlfriend being in Vegas with her ex-boyfriend.
Nothing happened beyond a foot massage that was a competition between Greg and I as to what non-sexual act causes the most pleasure. Needless to say I felt that I won…..but who knows.
So my night ended with a lot of water….sitting around sobering up enough to drive. Heading home and crashing, to get up in 4 hrs to go to work.
I luckily don’t have a hang over, but then again I didn’t go to sleep drunk…so. Now I just wait till Jess gets back, and see what happens from there.
I can smell fall in the air already. It is my favorite season. Fall always brings change though, its that time of year where the decay of the growth of spring and summer tinges the air with an almost tactile smell. The new turns to the old, and soon dies in the cold clutches of winter. Change.
I can feel this company changing, I can feel me changing. At least I can tell what move the company wants to make, when I think about me, I worry I am about to hit that crazy phase I never went through in College, but I don’t know. We shall see.
current mood:  groggy
current music: Clackity Clack of the Keyboards
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| Friday, August 11th, 2006
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4:52 pm - Pre Party
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I am now at Brian's awaiting the people to arrive.
Its his big moving in party. While a large 2 bedroom apartment, he must have invited 30 people, and I somehow doubt that there is quite enough room for that many drunken people.
We shall see how it goes.
My trust is in Vegas, lets see if it gets broken.
Till then I plan to get shit faced and throw up. Work tomorrow.
Oh and I finnally got like 11hrs of sleep. Feels strange to be well rested. Though no sleep likely tonight!!! woot.
current mood:  chipper
current music: Badly Played Piano
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2:04 am - The Balance of Temperment: Dom or Sub
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How does a man treat a woman?
There are clearly defined roles for men when it comes to courtship, dating, relationships and marriage. These roles are imparted to men from the time they are born, they pick them up from their fathers, their neighbors, the radio, TV, parties, friends, teachers, etc.
Men observe how other men treat women, and usually unknownly base their ideas off of this. So the achietype is this:
Respect
Understanding
Compasion
Force
Patience
Love
Trust
If a man exhibits these traits he is deemed socialy attractive to women. My question is: do women really want these traits, or is this list of virtues simply to broad to form any type of particular judgement based off of them.
Sayings like opposits attract, and women like the bad boys, are these acurate? Is there any merit to them?
So far I have used my charm and kindness to "win" women. Making the first move and circling in as the hawk circles its prey in the air.
However now I am attempting a new method. Partly one not of my choosing, as this current relationship has begun from the other direction.
So Sub and Dom. Can we really classify each partner in a relationship as one or the other? If so how does one pick the traits that determine the assignment of the category?
Do most women have a natural desire to be dominated by a man, yet still respected? Where does the line of an equal relationship stop, and the line of fetish begin?
These are all questions that I hope to find the answer to in the comming months.
Time for some fun....god knows she deserves it.
current mood:  giddy
current music: Sound of Fingers on my Skin
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| Thursday, August 10th, 2006
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8:46 pm - Sleeplessness
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When was the last time I got 8hrs of sleep, 6hrs? 5hrs? I can't remember now.
Last night I got about 1hr 30mins of sleep...it was more a cat nap. I have now been up from 10AM yesterday or was it 2 days ago?? I can't remember and the night before that was 4hrs of sleep.
Time keeps moving through me in a sickening thick sliding fashion. I see night move to day, and day to night, but the time all runs together and I lose track of the days.
Tonight looks to be another late night.
People I care about's lives have tripped up and chaos needs to be calmed.
24 dollars in my pocket...thats all I got from now till next pay check...and utilities and gas have to be paid...eessh.
I stopped moving to write this the tired is catching up. Must run now.
current mood:  exhausted
current music: Fallin - Evanecense
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| Wednesday, August 9th, 2006
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9:10 pm - A Truthful Moment
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Still tired.
Addicted now….jealousy now.
I do not want these feelings.
I haven’t been out of a relationship for more than a few days in 5 years.
Kira forced herself on me in 2001. Spring, after 6 months of being single. After the military I started dating Jess while I was still going out with Kira. Broke up with Kira over the phone cause I was a coward and it was eaiser. Jess and I dated until 2005, where she broke up with me and I had about 2 weeks of tortured alone time before I started “seeing” Rachel. Though it was a long distance relationship so I really was alone anyway. Still several visits and a lot of misguided promised commitment, and I realized that it was wrong, and I wasn’t in love, and that we were not going to work. Unfortunately yet again I was a coward and broke it off via phone, after I started see another girl.
So look at me. Sinner among the sinful. Am I afraid to be alone?
I think I am.
I am tired, at work, and bored. I am getting emotionally attached, but its leading to jealousy, something I hate, cause it make me angry. My angry is horrible. I have learned to manage it, but this may be pushing it.
I am not a good person. I don’t claim to be. Perhaps I will learn from this, but perhaps not.
I am going to get so drunk Friday, cause I haven’t ever done it before…and hell if this isn’t the year for firsts.
current mood:  confused
current music: None, Office silence
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12:50 am - Creativity
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So while sitting here attempting to draw, which I can't do by the way, my mind turned to creativity.
Creativity is the motivation of the active mind.
For dullards, and lets face it, this category is a whole lot of people. Creativity, which is at its base form is change, scares people who are not willing or able to keep their minds active.
A lazy mind fears change, for a lazy mind is caught in a rut. Often time I think this rut is why organized religon functions so well for the masses, it gives them a peaceful rut to stay in, and lots of circular arguments to fight off change and feel smart.
But thats another subject.
Creativity is this precious substance that we must work to make our minds create. Then we can use this to, excuse the modification of an old phrase, spice up our life.
It is used to make our jobs better, our cooking better, our sex better, our style better, us better. Creativity in a relationship is invaluable, especially among intelligent people because we get bored easily.
I think we can all say we were bored in at least one of our relationships. I think what keeps couples together for a long time is a combination of 3 things (oversimplified); love, acceptance, interest. Acceptance encompasses trust, comfortablity, and compatablity, and Interest encompasses creativity, spontinaity, and passion.
For the most part I would say that smart people have the hardest time with acceptance. An active mind questions, and accepting someone is to quit thinking, its the mind giving up on possibilities. Probably why we are all the most paranoid too.
Two people may love eachother a huge amount, but without at least one of the other 2, and probably both, it seems unlikely that it will work. ETC.
I would argue that the only 2 point connection that will last, is Love and Acceptance. Interest is the only point (at least in my model) that can be completely ignored. I would also argue that this relationship would only last between 2 dullards. Two people who are to scared to change, or enjoy boredom. The interest never needs to be there because they are in that rut.
This is of course an underdeveloped oversimplified conjecture. But I like it. Its some good clay for future sculptures.
Oh must remember my figure 8 theory about religon for my next rant.
(I am fully aware that I sound like an elitest snob, talking about smart humans like a seperate species, and I am also fully aware of the copious spelling errors on this page /disclaimer off)
current mood:  thoughtful
current music: Silence - Best Thinking Music
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| Monday, August 7th, 2006
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11:32 pm - PMS
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I have been fighting a fucking horrible mood all day, and I just finnally lost.
I am just bitter and angry.
My eye has developed some sort of tear duct block, or a cyst or something, and is rapidly swelling shut. Tomorrow I likely wont be able to see. Great.
Work was a painfl crawl today, we are understaffed and thus the few of us that are there end up doing 80 jobs.
I haven't slept much in the last 2 weeks, been too busy learning, enjoying and fucking.
Tonight...I will sleep. Possibly a full 8 hours. Right now that is the only thing that is keeping me from tearing holes in my wall, and turning my knckles into a bloody pulp.
Tired, eye hurts, muscles ache from last nights workout, and the banshee will not be here tonight...
I better wake up in a better mood, or someone is going to get hurt.
current mood: bitchy
current music: I Write Sins Not Tragedies - Panic! At the Disco
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2:48 am - Torture
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So I went to the gym today.
My body aches everywhere.
Membership is exspensive...and brings pain.
Got to spend money to make money.
Soft fingers on my back now....
I must go.
current mood: tired
current music: Fan Blades - Creaky
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| Sunday, August 6th, 2006
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1:33 am - The Dark
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The bruises have begun to heal,
Pressing my fingers into them the pain returns,
I revisit the passion that created them,
The degredation of my soul,
My finnal moral coruption,
For passion I gave up faith,
My finnal lesson has been learned,
No longer can I pass swift judgement on sinners,
For I am among them completely now,
My eyes fall on the furrows in my flesh,
The desire surges up again,
Realizing she will not return,
I lie broken on the bed,
Waiting for sleep.
current mood: distressed
current music: The Small Print - Muse
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| Saturday, August 5th, 2006
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9:45 pm - Dedication
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I am commited.
We shall see where this goes.
Work was the epitome of boring. I have nothing to do. It the equivelent of being an overnight security gaurd. Most of the time you sit around and wait for morning. Everyonce in awhile something happens or you have to walk around. But pretty much its just sitting.....
Time to move up, and learn something new.
My department is like a soap opera. Not that I can exclude myself in the drama since I am now technically dating the girl that went out with the guy that got an exstripper pregnant. Then there is the lateral moves to other departments to allow for more politically correct office romances. Then there are the married people that are chasing younger single girls, oh did I mention that the married person's wife is pregnant Then there is the manager who is trying to date the other recently promoted manager, who still has a fiance. Lets not forget that exstripper, that is now pregnant, lied to the guy for about 4 months, oh and also used to work here too. I am sure there are more.....I just laugh.
All this is information that handed to the wrong or right source can lead to promotions or the big boot.
Information is power. Especially in companies like this.
I have been in a dangerous mood lately...so I will keep playing with fire for awhile longer.
current mood: amused
current music: Queen - Now I'm Here
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| Friday, August 4th, 2006
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8:47 pm - My Heart Doesn't Just Want to Cuddle
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Its time to step back. Its time to think. Its time to pause. Do I need space? Do I need..... WHAT DO I NEED?
Why am I so confused about this. Cut and dry, right?
No. Well then what the hell.
I promised, myself. At least I think I did. I broke all the rest of my promises. So why not this one too. What the hell, haven't I already broken it, and just am denying it??
ARRGGG: (excuse me moment of crazy ranting...as if the rest of this post wasn't already).
I want it, I don't want it, I don't care, I care, take heart, push back, take up the flag, move forward, be a man, take a break, focus on work, spend time with the cats, spend time out, hell go out and get drunk. Let go for once in life, can you ever lose control???? Why the hell can you just let go? Let someone else take advantage of you, for once. Fucking get a grip man. What the hell....you arn't even making sense now.
My mind on paper...well silicon. Scary picture...pure chaos. People ask why you worry so much. I have to point to the voices. The damn voices....my demons, my attonment for sins past. Can they ever be quiet. All this thinking and you still do stupid shit-brained stuff.
Did you really think you could swim in these waters? You are sinking fast, is it time to suck in the dark waters and let the crushing black take me?? Or is it time to fight for the surface??
Well I guess that narrows the choices. Go straight, or turn left.
So enought of the mind splurge? OK.
Honestly its been a great day....so why the drama, no one knows...not even me.
Tomorrow I start trying for a promotion in all honesty.
Set up meeting-
Find high visibility issue to attempt to change-
Hob-knob with managment-
Talk to Josh and Justin-
Set up meeting with Bill-
Get team to 1st.
Not to bad. Lets get to work.
current mood: confused
current music: Flash Gordon - Queen
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2:38 pm - A Dangerous Morning
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Danger lies dreaming in red hair and white skin,
Draped in satin she seductively strips away my caution,
Her head perched on a pillow,
Sleepy eyes and tussled hair hiding the peril within,
Despair! Men’s hearts crash upon her like salt spray on rocks,
Do not gaze at her beauty long,
For you will be trapped as a fly in a web,
Though innocents rests in her lips and heart,
Be wary the sensual silvery sentences she utters,
Your heart will subcome to her desires,
As you fall into the abyss of her shadow,
You will find yourself in the company of other lost souls,
Hate, pity, greed, envy, these will consume you,
And when you finally reach the bottom,
Your shell will be forgotten,
So as Danger lies dreaming,
And her sunset hair summons you to her side,
Do not throw caution to the wind,
For the face that can launch a thousand ships,
Can easily erase their existence.
current mood: contemplative
current music: Morning Silence
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1:39 am - The Internet Blog Dance
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First I post, someone told me not too. Then you comment, OMG, did you read that, then I remove the post, too many people know, so I then I start locking the posts, my posts are no longer free, I can no longer speak openly about my life, so I hide my thoughts in layers of blogs, and friends lists, you are not on the guest list, comments filter into your life, they are sorted and blocked, can you no longer even be honest with yourself? A journal it is no longer, a social network, a club, with the few gaining access to how you might really feel, but what if the guest list is too big, how many people did you let in? Push them out, create a new blog, one that no one knows, why write if no one reads, let someone in, cycle continues, friends tell freinds, add friends, posts become public, ashamed of my real thoughts, closing the circle, access denied, comments come again, I move back to the old blog and start typing assuming that no one is watching, I leap and lock, write and post, remove and add, the dance is detailed, it is eager, it is self serving, the social implications are tremendous, many pick the barrel of a gun, rather than a MySpace suicide, the degredation of inner-thought. Undone by the simple act of typing and access to information.
Some live and die by the keyboard alone.
current mood: amused
current music: Butterflies and Hurricanes - Absolution
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| Thursday, August 3rd, 2006
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4:56 pm - Passion
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Life goes through changes. (What a completely obvious and moronic statment).
I have recently ended my relationship with Rachel. It was more mutual than anything. We just were not going in the same direction, and there were alot of things I was not quite ready for. Still I refuse to regret what we had, and I will always think of her as a friend.
Life moves forward.
I am a complete fool for pretty girls. They can ask me for my liver and I would search for a knife to cut it from my own body.
I am always suprised when beautiful popular women are interested in me. Even more when they appear in my bed. Its that sureal experiance like suddenly being thrown in close quarters with a movie star or something.
Idol Worship.
The problem with these women is the ability of men to worship them. It is what I call the Porsche complex. Also known as keeping up with the Jones', but thats such an archaic phrase not many people would know it.
So the Porsche complex is this: People come to California, for 2 things, Sunshine and Money. When they get here, the only thing the get immediatly is the Sun, the money comes later. So they look around and see wealthy people and they are all driving Black Porsche Carreras (this is because wealthy people have no imagination). So they work hard and make some money, and the first car they buy is that blasted Porsche. (this is of course a sweeping generalization)
This is the same idol worship that beautiful women get. A few people start doting on her and soon a fan club emerges. The woman becomes the Porsche, an object that men want because they see others wanting it, and they do not have enough imagination to get their own.
They all think that the woman is the answer to their dreams. They all would bend over backwards for her, do anything she asked, jump into lava, all at improving their chance with her. In the end Virgil is right, Fortune indeed does favor the bold.
My next post will likely be about surviving the fan club, and avoding the pitfalls that lead one to becoming one.
current mood: thoughtful
current music: Cat Collars
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